Poodle Pilates

December 4, 2008

After a successful Thanksgiving of good food I know it is time to get serious about fitness. If you need some helpful tips look at this video and leave a comment if this helps.

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The Body of my Youth

September 24, 2008

Originally uploaded by mark sebastian

I have a love hate relationship with my body. I often catch myself day dreaming about the days that my body was something I was proud of. Though I owe all praises to God and my sincere appreciation for my family’s DNA that provided me with my form, I also take some credit for my stature since about the age of nine. I remember in 4th grade gym class we had the physical aptitude test, not sure what they are really called, in which you would run and do chin ups and sit ups, and all the other ups you can think of. I don’t know why, but I loved it. As a kid I got hooked on physical activity; thank God for that because I also loved to eat. I can remember waking up at 5am most Saturday mornings because I was so excited about the cartoons; of course they did not start till 8am. So for fun I would watch the news, educational programs and exercise. I was a kid with insane amount of energy but I was able to sit still with no problem so I was a delight to both academic and PE teachers.

I loved sports that required leg power: kickball, soccer, field hockey, and track. I also loved volley ball. I never tried out for a sports team. When I moved from Texas to Detroit all of a sudden the sports focus was on basketball. I was in sixth grade at the time and I was a little self conscious, which I’m sure was spurred on by the culture shock. I’d never played basketball before or been to a dance; not only that they only played rap music, no country at all. Lucky for me I was quickly accepted but I again made it a point not stand out by displaying my weakness; dancing in public and attempting to play basketball were out of the question. At home I still did my 200 sit up and made sure that I danced in front of the TV or in my room as much as possible.

By the time I was in high school I had fully assimilated into the Detroit culture, my speech was still different but acceptable, I’d gained confidence as a dancer and was now a force to be reckoned with on the dance floor, and I no longer had any desire to wear my white cowboy boots with the fringe in the back. Now I went to high school where my aunt was the basketball coach. She encouraged me to try out with the promise that she would work with me and make sure that I gained skill and confidence. I was very tempted, but did not want to have to keep the fact that she was my aunt a secret and no desire for my teammates to look at me with hate as they realize that I’d only touched a basketball maybe 3 times prior to making the team. Besides, I did not want to participate in any school activities. My mom and dad had recently separated and I did not want my mom to worry about finding a babysitter for my siblings. So even though I wanted to join the track, volleyball, dance, and debate teams I decided against.

When I was in high school guys would ask me for my number all the time, but when I got to college guys openly noticed my body. I got lots of compliments on my big legs, a lot of stares at my round bottom and a lot of hugs around my tiny waist. My freshman year I wore a size 7 and weighted 135 lbs. On my own for the first time it was obvious that guys did not pursue being my boyfriend as much as they pursued sleeping with me. My body was a blessing and a curse. I desperately wanted to find relationships where friendship was the driving force and sex was on the back burner, but I was not successful at finding guys who did not push for more physical “interactions”. Though I hated the feeling of strangers undressing me with their eyes, I liked not having to worry about if my body was good enough and just celebrating its beauty.

I miss that body. It was so easy to dress to impress, to dance for six hours straight, and to feel confident in the bedroom. My body now is not toned,to be frank I am obese. I am 5’2’’ and I weight 210 lbs that is with a recent weight loss of 24lbs. I wear a size 18 and my chest is still really small. I am frustrated: trying to find clothes that fit, doing thing to lose weight that use to work but now make me gain, working out and getting winded so easily. I sometimes feel like my body is out to get me, but the funny thing is, I still love it. I remember when I first started getting a tummy and I use to stare at it in the mirror for hours, not in disgust but in delight. The first time I saw the cellulite on the back of my thighs I was surprised, but not disappointed. Lucky for me I have grown up thinking that women of all shapes and sizes were beautiful. Of course I would prefer my body to look like it did when I was 18 or even 28, but I’m OK with how I looks now. What I’m not okay with is going out and people looking at me with disgust. I’m not okay with feeling like I can’t turn my husband on like I use to. I’m not okay with feeling the need to sit down after I walk up a flight of stairs. So I am going to try hard to take care of myself and my body. I want to take care of it as much as it has taken care of me throughout the years and I want to help it earn the respect that it deserves. I will lose weight and I will share my journey.