Purity…LMV- part 7

January 2, 2009

    


Purity…

Originally uploaded by vicdv888 – Happy Holidays!

I think that for the most part I was a good kid. No drugs, not drinking but I was far from innocent. I lost my virginity at 14. I’m not sure why I experimented with sex so early but I do wonder if my parent’s separation had anything to do with it. The same year my dad moved out was the same year that I got caught having sex. That day I was caught I was scared for my life, but I learned to be grateful. I knew that I was too young to have sex but I did not any real motivation to stop. Know that I knew that my mom would be upset I wanted to avoid sex at all cost.

From my memory I was on punishment for three months: no phone use and no going out. I thought the punishment was more than fair, but I stilled found a way to sneak in the occasional phone call. You see me and my boyfriend, we were in love; just talking hearing his voice for 15 minutes could remove all of my stress in an instant. The one glorious day I was off of punishment all was forgiven. My mom even let D-nice come over for dinner. It felt so nice to see him again, but I can’t tell you how shocked I was when my mom announced that she needed to go to the store and that she would be back soon. A wave of excitement mixed with fear engulfed me. I was looking forward to kissing D-nice again but I feared the intense chemistry that we shared.

As soon as my mom’s car pulled out of the driveway D-nice pressed his body against mine and our lips meet for a very passionate kiss. Within seconds he gracefully picked me up and placed me on the kitchen counter and tried to pull my hips into his. Though my hormones screamed “YEAH” my mouth said “I can’t”. He ignored me and tried unbutton my pants. I pushed him away with all of my might and jumped off the counter. I scolded him on being insensitive to me and disrespectful to my mom. He said he understood and I forgave him. We kissed again but this time it was tender with a touch of innocents. I think my mom was gone about 20 minutes. I’ve never asked her why she left us alone that day but I would guess she understood that we could use a little alone time and I also think she wanted me to practice being alone with a guy and not having sex.

D-nice was 16 and horny. It was hard for him to hear me say that I did not want to have sex anymore but he said he understood. Of course he understood, I’d heard rumors about him flirting with, dating and even hooking up with other girls. I choose to give him the benefit of the doubt but to keep him at arm’s length. It also helped me a to abstain from sex. Beside it was great to not have to worry about STDs or pregnancy. Speaking of STDs my mom took me to a clinic to get tested for both pregnancy and STDs and I passed with flying colors. I was so grateful that she got me tested so early; otherwise I would have been a nervous wreck because I had not had a period for three months. I know what you’re thinking but I was always irregular and that was normal for me. Because of that I suspected that I would be a little more difficult for me to get pregnant. Or so I thought…….

One night before going to bed I noticed that my chest was a little sore. I was happy because that was a symptom of PMS and it meant that everything would get back to normal. I went to bed and slept fine but when I woke up I felt a little weird. When I looked in the mirror I almost screamed. I went to bed as almost an A, but I woke up as full C (maybe D cup). The blood drained from my face as my mind raced trying to figure out a solution. I did not have much time to think so I found the only bra I could fit, put on the biggest sweat shirt I could find and sloughed all day.

I couldn’t wait to get home to come up with a game plan. On the bus ride home I was fixated on my mom telling me that if I was pregnant she would take me to get an abortion. I knew that I could not support a baby and that I was not ready to be a mom, but I would be devastated if I had an abortion. My mom was still at work when I got home so I called D-nice. He said we should runaway together. I felt happy that he was not upset about the possible pregnancy but his response worried me. I immediately called my best friend, who happened to be his cousin. I told her everything and adding how crazy D-nice was for suggesting to run away with me. Neither one of us had a job or any money. D-nice called me later and told me that I should have just told him how I felt, I agreed.

I hide from my mom that night. I did not know what else to do. I wanted to come up with a plan but my mind was blank. That night I did the only thing I could do, I closed my bedroom door and I prayed. I prayed like never be for: I asked God if he was upset with me for having sex, if this was his way of telling me that sex was wrong, I told him that my mom would take me to get an abortion and that I didn’t think I could live with myself if I had one, I begged him for forgiveness and grace, I asked Him to reverse the pregnancy ( in other words I did not want a miscarriage), and I promised that I would not have sex any more. Before that night my prayers were pretty standard, you know “Now I lay me down to sleep…..”, but this night I poured out my heart, my tears and my faith. I knew that He could fix it and I knew that he was my only hope. I also prayed something that I knew was not the most righteous request; I asked him if I could keep my new boobs. I made sure to state that it was not important and I would understood if He choose not to but I felt like it wouldn’t hurt to ask. Finally, exhausted from praying, I went to bed.

The next morning when I woke up I went straight to the mirror to check my chest. No more Cs. I have never been so excited to be flat-chested. I eventually confessed to my mom that I had not had a period and wanted to be tested again. She was worried but she obliged. After I got the results I met D-nice at the mall with the intention of sharing the results. “I’m not pregnant” I said. We both smiled and I felt close to him. That was until we broke up. I suspect the absence of sex was to blame, at least his motivation.

My first pregnancy scare was the birth of my personal walk with God. As far as I can remember, I believed in Him. But that day taught me that I could come to Him about anything. It also taught me that you should care what is important to Him. At age fourteen I had no clear comprehension on what was or was not sexually immoral. After that I was even more confused but I knew that He answered my prayer and for that I will always be grateful.

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LMV- part 6

November 14, 2008

   

Originally uploaded by ande.

 

 

I’m scared and all alone in my room. I tried to comfort myself by reminding myself that my mom loves me. I wondered how she would be able to trust me again. And I wondered who she was talking to on the phone. I concluded that it was my grandmother and felt horribly embarrassed… I did not know how much my room would protect me but I had to count my blessing that I’d made it this far. I knew this would be a long day but I thought the worst was behind me because my mom would eventually calm down. That was until I heard the front door open and I heard a growling, snarling voice yell,
WHERE IS HE?!!!
WHERE IS SHE?!!!


… It was my father’s voice. I have never even considered my dad finding out. I hoped beyond all hope that I would not die twice. I’d never heard my dad mad. When he was upset his voice would soften, he’d lower his gaze and slow his speech. In the past he was upset with me because I did not make my best effort in school. With a whispered tone he’d express his disappointment, never knowing with each word was stabbing my heart. I would say that for most of my life I was close to my mom, but I will always be a daddy’s girl. My dad was a loving, gentle and forgiving man. When he stormed into the house he slammed the door behind him and shook heart. Not only would my dad not love me anymore but he was going to kill me. I knew that my only option was to take whatever punishment my parents gave me with as much grace and gratitude as could express.

The concept of time disappeared as I waited to be summand. Instead I heard footsteps coming towards my room. My dad entered my room and sat beside the bed. I was floored. The monstrous inflection came from the man that sat beside me and I was no longer scared. I saw the love in his eyes and heard the comforting tone of patience in his voice. He took my hand and asked me the details of what happened. He asked if I’d had sex of my own free will, how many times I’d had sex, with how many boys and if I used protection. I answered him honestly: yes, four, two and no. He asked me if I was ovulating; I asked him how I can tell. He explained to me about the ovulation cycle and about the pain in the ribs as a sign. (Never learned that in school) I told him that I did not think I was. I don’t remember exactly how the conversation ended but I knew that he loved me, that he wanted the best for me and that I could talk to him about anything. As he opened the door to leave my room I saw my mom in the hallway. I could hear some of their whispers as my dad briefed my mom on our conversation. I did hear her ask,” How many times” and “With how many guys” and then, I could not hear the context but I heard the word “slut”. I was heartbroken. Did my mom think I was a slut? If she thinks I am then guess I am. I knew that that would have to change, but I did not know how.

I realized then I did not know how to say no, and did not know exactly why I should. My mom had a made it a point to tell me that sex was an important part of marriage and that you should make sure you are sexually compatible with you partner before you commit the rest of your life to them. I knew that fourteen was too young to have sex but I did not know a good age to start. I did not know how long you should be in a relationship before you start engaging and I did know how intimate you should get before you put the passion breaks on. I did not know how to tell if the person you’re with really loves you. I don’t want to be a slut and I don’t want a loveless marriage; I wanted a rule book. I knew that it did not exist and that I was going to have to determine the rules for myself.

Losing My Virginity?

September 3, 2008

Originally uploaded by cascarrabias • Maite •

“My first experience was not the way I imagined it. I met my boyfriend at my family reunion, no he was not a relative, but my mom did give me permission to date from third cousin on. He was not that cute but was persistent and I guess he won me over fairly quickly. Lucky for me he lived within walking distance.

One day he asked me to come over his house after school and I was happy to oblige…”

Read the entire article Losing My Virginity on Freak Friday.