Purity…LMV- part 7

January 2, 2009



Originally uploaded by vicdv888 – Happy Holidays!

I think that for the most part I was a good kid. No drugs, not drinking but I was far from innocent. I lost my virginity at 14. I’m not sure why I experimented with sex so early but I do wonder if my parent’s separation had anything to do with it. The same year my dad moved out was the same year that I got caught having sex. That day I was caught I was scared for my life, but I learned to be grateful. I knew that I was too young to have sex but I did not any real motivation to stop. Know that I knew that my mom would be upset I wanted to avoid sex at all cost.

From my memory I was on punishment for three months: no phone use and no going out. I thought the punishment was more than fair, but I stilled found a way to sneak in the occasional phone call. You see me and my boyfriend, we were in love; just talking hearing his voice for 15 minutes could remove all of my stress in an instant. The one glorious day I was off of punishment all was forgiven. My mom even let D-nice come over for dinner. It felt so nice to see him again, but I can’t tell you how shocked I was when my mom announced that she needed to go to the store and that she would be back soon. A wave of excitement mixed with fear engulfed me. I was looking forward to kissing D-nice again but I feared the intense chemistry that we shared.

As soon as my mom’s car pulled out of the driveway D-nice pressed his body against mine and our lips meet for a very passionate kiss. Within seconds he gracefully picked me up and placed me on the kitchen counter and tried to pull my hips into his. Though my hormones screamed “YEAH” my mouth said “I can’t”. He ignored me and tried unbutton my pants. I pushed him away with all of my might and jumped off the counter. I scolded him on being insensitive to me and disrespectful to my mom. He said he understood and I forgave him. We kissed again but this time it was tender with a touch of innocents. I think my mom was gone about 20 minutes. I’ve never asked her why she left us alone that day but I would guess she understood that we could use a little alone time and I also think she wanted me to practice being alone with a guy and not having sex.

D-nice was 16 and horny. It was hard for him to hear me say that I did not want to have sex anymore but he said he understood. Of course he understood, I’d heard rumors about him flirting with, dating and even hooking up with other girls. I choose to give him the benefit of the doubt but to keep him at arm’s length. It also helped me a to abstain from sex. Beside it was great to not have to worry about STDs or pregnancy. Speaking of STDs my mom took me to a clinic to get tested for both pregnancy and STDs and I passed with flying colors. I was so grateful that she got me tested so early; otherwise I would have been a nervous wreck because I had not had a period for three months. I know what you’re thinking but I was always irregular and that was normal for me. Because of that I suspected that I would be a little more difficult for me to get pregnant. Or so I thought…….

One night before going to bed I noticed that my chest was a little sore. I was happy because that was a symptom of PMS and it meant that everything would get back to normal. I went to bed and slept fine but when I woke up I felt a little weird. When I looked in the mirror I almost screamed. I went to bed as almost an A, but I woke up as full C (maybe D cup). The blood drained from my face as my mind raced trying to figure out a solution. I did not have much time to think so I found the only bra I could fit, put on the biggest sweat shirt I could find and sloughed all day.

I couldn’t wait to get home to come up with a game plan. On the bus ride home I was fixated on my mom telling me that if I was pregnant she would take me to get an abortion. I knew that I could not support a baby and that I was not ready to be a mom, but I would be devastated if I had an abortion. My mom was still at work when I got home so I called D-nice. He said we should runaway together. I felt happy that he was not upset about the possible pregnancy but his response worried me. I immediately called my best friend, who happened to be his cousin. I told her everything and adding how crazy D-nice was for suggesting to run away with me. Neither one of us had a job or any money. D-nice called me later and told me that I should have just told him how I felt, I agreed.

I hide from my mom that night. I did not know what else to do. I wanted to come up with a plan but my mind was blank. That night I did the only thing I could do, I closed my bedroom door and I prayed. I prayed like never be for: I asked God if he was upset with me for having sex, if this was his way of telling me that sex was wrong, I told him that my mom would take me to get an abortion and that I didn’t think I could live with myself if I had one, I begged him for forgiveness and grace, I asked Him to reverse the pregnancy ( in other words I did not want a miscarriage), and I promised that I would not have sex any more. Before that night my prayers were pretty standard, you know “Now I lay me down to sleep…..”, but this night I poured out my heart, my tears and my faith. I knew that He could fix it and I knew that he was my only hope. I also prayed something that I knew was not the most righteous request; I asked him if I could keep my new boobs. I made sure to state that it was not important and I would understood if He choose not to but I felt like it wouldn’t hurt to ask. Finally, exhausted from praying, I went to bed.

The next morning when I woke up I went straight to the mirror to check my chest. No more Cs. I have never been so excited to be flat-chested. I eventually confessed to my mom that I had not had a period and wanted to be tested again. She was worried but she obliged. After I got the results I met D-nice at the mall with the intention of sharing the results. “I’m not pregnant” I said. We both smiled and I felt close to him. That was until we broke up. I suspect the absence of sex was to blame, at least his motivation.

My first pregnancy scare was the birth of my personal walk with God. As far as I can remember, I believed in Him. But that day taught me that I could come to Him about anything. It also taught me that you should care what is important to Him. At age fourteen I had no clear comprehension on what was or was not sexually immoral. After that I was even more confused but I knew that He answered my prayer and for that I will always be grateful.